I’ve been at a loss for words for days, what are you supposed to say during a time like this? Questions and decisions and planning that you hope and pray you never have to do but must. Matt, Max and I would first like to express our gratitude for the amount of love and support that has encompassed us. No one ever plans for something like this but to see how many lives our sweet boy touched, how many have given their prayers, condolences, love… it’s overwhelming. There aren’t enough words to thank you all for being here to celebrate the gift that Mason’s life truly is.
My sweet Mason, my baby, how I long to hold you, kiss you, breathe you in. To sing sweet lullabies just one more time. How I wish I could see your smile. Your smile was like warm sunshine, you lit up the room, you brought warmth to my soul, you brought happiness to every single person who met you. The sparkle in your eyes was more beautiful than the sunset on the ocean, more precious than diamonds. You could look at me and make everything ok, I wish you could do that now. Just smile and the rest of my worries would disappear.
I prayed, oh how I prayed, for you for years and years. Then one day out of the blue, God answered my prayers. I was so anxious to begin all over. I was so worried I’d lose you before I could hold you. I prayed for you every day while you grew inside my tummy. There were doctors who said the odds weren’t in our favor, that you’d likely never live, but you were strong and you proved them wrong. A healthy, beautiful baby boy was born!
From the second you were born you changed us, you changed the world. There was a joy we had been missing, a piece to our puzzle we’d finally found. You brought healing and life to our home that I’m not even sure we knew we needed but we did. There was laughter and love and my heart felt complete.
There’s not a single second that passes that I regret your life. Even if I had known, if I had had the choice knowing what I know now, knowing you’d be taken so soon I wouldn’t change a thing. As broken and as much as every ounce of me aches with an indescribable pain I can close my eyes and see you, feel you, love you. What you gave to us this past year, from my womb to your short 4 months and 7 days in our arms, is worth more than all the treasures of this world, it is worth the broken heart and sadness we feel now. How lucky, how blessed, we are that we have someone we love so much that saying goodbye to is so hard. To have experienced that kind of love is one of God’s greatest gifts.
I don’t have the answers or understanding as to why things like this happen, Why it’s happened to us, to you. It’s not fair, it’s not right. It’s a pain no parent should ever, ever have to feel. It’s just not how it’s supposed to be. We were supposed to have years not weeks, to hear your little words and read you bedtime stories, to chase out monsters under the bed and complain about muddy boots on my kitchen floor, telling you to eat your veggies, plan birthday parties as we watched you grow into a young man, fall in love and make babies of your own… All the things I wanted for you, all the things that we will miss. If I could trade places with you I would in a heartbeat.
I don’t know why God waited so long to give us the gift of you just to bring you back to him so quickly. But there are things I do know; because you took so long to get here I took more time to be grateful for the little things that so many do take for granted. I would hold you for hours and hours, you constantly wanted to be held, to be touched and snuggled. Maybe you knew, maybe it was your gift to us. You knew that we needed to hold you more while we still had the chance. For those 4 months you literally were the center of our world, everything revolved around you and it was amazing.
We offered your organs to help save other babies. It brought me comfort thinking that part of you could live on. I think of those mothers who watch their babies suffer and pray for a cure. I am grateful that you didn’t feel the hurt of this world. You only knew goodness and love.
I wish it weren’t like this, I wish I could wake up from this horrible dream and see you, hold you, if even for just a minute. I am so looking forward to the day we get to see you in Heaven. To run to you and scoop you up in my arms and hear your laugh. God’s story for you was written long before our time and I know there’s a purpose even if it’s not clear now. To trust in him is really the only way to make it through something like this. You were incredibly too unique and too dynamic for there not to be a greater story. I hope others saw that in you and that they too can find the peace that passes understanding.
If our love for you alone could have kept you here you would have lived forever. But no matter what you will always be with us, Always in our thoughts, in my every breath, my every heartbeat… My darling, sweet little man, we love you more than anyone can fathom and until we meet again we’ll miss you so very, very much.